Saturday, May 15, 2010


I am home for the summer. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it yet. It's weird, cause I don't really feel like it's actually Summer. But then, I can't remember how it felt last May at this time. So maybe this is exactly how I'm supposed to feel. :)

But being home is kinda hard. I'm living with my dad again. I'm stuck without a car (for now). I'm back to being in high school. In fact my room looks almost exactly as it did when I was in high school. My mums still hang on the wall. A teddy bear from an ex-boyfriend sits in the corner. There's junk everywhere. And most all of it is from high school. Hell, some of it's from middle school. It's just weird. Here I am trying (not) to think of my future, being a grown up, the "real" world that is approaching oh so quickly. But I'm stuck back at home, feeling like a kid. Sometimes, I catch myself too easily acting like a kid. It's just different. When your little brother and sister are around. When you're back around your parents. Going shopping with the family. It's just such a "kid" thing to do. Or that's what it feels like. I already miss going shopping on my own or with friends, roommates. NOT my parents. I miss being able to sit around in what I could pretend was my room, my living room, cooking in my kitchen. It wasn't mine. I shared it with two roommates and none of us were living dependent of our parents. But I could pretend.

I like to tell myself how so many small things make me feel stuck as a kid. Like not having a car, coming back home for the summer and Christmas break. Living in this house again. But really it's all the responsibility I say I want, but am terrified of. That's why I feel like a kid. Because, really, I am. But...

I turn 21 in one week. Well. 5 days. Technically. :P

I'm pretty excited. How could this be bad? Drinking is legal now. I have a legitimate pass to get mildly intoxicated in public and delicately abuse alcohol to ease my nerves in social situations.

Plus, a birthday is the beginning of a new year of my life. And new is good. I'm going for change. I'm going for something new. I have high hopes.

I'm going to learn to drive stick. As soon as possible. I've got until August to master this skill. Now I haven't lived 21 years without attempting to learn, unfortunately. But my first attempt went terribly wrong in the parking lot of my freshman dorm. So we're gonna pretend it never happened and start anew. Learning to drive standard will open all the doors for my upcoming job hunt. Learning to drive standard means having a car for the summer and my senior year in college. Having a car will make so many things so much easier. But learning to drive this car. Not going to be easy. But I'll do it. I have to. And I will.

I'm thinking positive.

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